About that Web Designer Job
Our job search has concluded. Thankfully, you were spared.
To all who applied, but did not hear back
Timmy and I understand that it’s part and parcel of a professional organization to send all applicants who were not selected for an interview a templated email explaining how emotionally taxing the process of sifting through the resumes of so many deeply qualified and talented design professionals. Something to the effect of:
“Timmy and I would like to extend our most heartfelt gratitude for your application. Both of us are overwhelmed and humbled by the bright and inspiring letters of interest we received, yours included, and the breathtaking ability of so many designers around the world. Foregoing sleep for a full 36 hours, we carefully reviewed every portfolio, a painstaking process involving a 40-point grading scale. At the end of this process, we selected several people to interview. Unfortunately, you were not one of them.
Let us be clear: this should not deter you. We have placed your resume in a sealed purple velvet envelope and stored it in a safety deposit box, along with some valuable gemstones and family heirlooms, in a secure location in New Jersey. If another opportunity arises, we will have our concierge, Pierre, unseal the envelope and rush deliver your resume back to our desks for a subsequent review. We thank you for your interest and look forward to a future collaboration.”
If you are the type of person who always looks on the bright side,I would take this message as a token of our appreciation and move on with your life. If you would like to torture yourself, I have included five more accurate reasons that you did not hear back from us.
- There was no payment or gifts included in your application
I cannot emphasize enough how strongly a crisp $20 bill can influence our behavior here at Feral. It is literally like a moth to a flame with us. And while we always prefer cash, we love other gifts as well: ornamental plants, teak furniture, peanut butter cookies, you name it! We were shocked nobody sent us anything, or even asked for our address, especially as we neared the holidays
- We recognized you from America’s Most Wanted
We get it. You want to start a new life and leave your checkered past behind you. You’ve changed your name, updated your appearance, and taught yourself web design. Sorry, the world is not that simple. As the famous line from Magnolia goes, “We may be through with the past, but the past isn’t through with us.” It’s time to stop running. We recognize you from that episode back in September. I’m sure you saw it, and while we don’t know where exactly you’re hiding out, we could tell from the drapes in the background of your profile picture it was a Super 8 (Timmy and I are both preferred guests there). We’ve forwarded this information on to the show’s producers and are currently cooperating with law enforcement.
- You failed the Turing Test
We received a number of applications from what we quickly deduced were advanced forms of artificial intelligence or non-human sentient beings. With the exception of one, all failed the Turing test, a standard by which a machine’s ability to mimic human behavior is judged. In all honesty, Timmy and I have always been exceptionally warm to the idea of working with an artificial entity, robot, or even an alien, however we know some of our clients would be unsettled by a team member who lacks a physical body or maybe one who has a body, but displays awkward behavior, like over-blinking with a clinical half smile on their face. We look forward to the advancement of this important technology and more applicants in the future able to pass the Turing test.
- Our psychic Wanda got a bad feeling
We are one of the few design studios with the moxie to not only keep a psychic on retainer, but follow her advice as if it were the gospel. Behind every major decision we’ve made as a studio, you’ll find Wanda. As part of the hiring process, we printed out every application and delivered them to her, then watched in awe as she performed a powerful purification ceremony. As she cleansed each application in a mixture of sage and palo santo smoke, we were shocked to see that a number of the documents turned completely black and began to smell lightly of fish. Those resumes were placed in a pile and later disposed of.
- We thought you might be an enemy spy of some sort
Listen, Timmy and I are no strangers to the high stakes world of corporate espionage. We have spent the better part of 10 years fending off intellectual property theft from our competitors, coercive measures employed by foreign governments, and in one particularly traumatizing episode, the outright hijacking of my entire brain by a global shadow organization known only as Cell4. This event, which happened under the guise of a routine haircut and beard trim at a local Supercuts, has left me extremely vigilant of the threats that exist all around us. While to the average observer many of the portfolios appeared to be quite impressive, a number of telltale signals, including the use of the color red, lay just beneath the surface. We were forced to act out of an abundance of caution and disqualify several dozen applications, even if this meant some false positives.
This officially concludes our job search. We hope this constructive feedback gives you the information you need to better position yourself for the dream job you seek in the future, with us, or another fine organization. To those who followed us on Instagram, we thank you for your support. Expect to be rewarded with precisely one post every 57 days. To everyone else, we bid you farewell…for now.